Since yesterday's idea of writing about grammar was abruptly aborted, today I think it would be only fair to talk about another one of my favourite topics: clichés. I think it's fair to say that the best person for the job is not me, though one day I hope to be able to take this subject to new heights of witticism and urbanity. For now I'm happy to share the following texts which have given me many moments of wild (and protracted) laughter.

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"'Myles na Gopaleen' was the name Flann O'Brien adopted for Cruiskeen Lawn, the column he wrote for the Irish Times. This book is a selection of his best material -- and it is one of the supreme comic achievements in our language - containing such immortal creations such as The Brother, a man with a solution to everything from the common cold to the economic crisis; the Plain People of Ireland, a breed distinguished for their love of a well-turned cliché, a drop of the hard stuff, and rebuking Myles when his inventions become too fanciful; and Keats and Chapman, two absurdly erudite poets who will stoop to any old adventure so long as it ends in an epigram." ~~ Back cover

Extracts from The Best of Myles by Myles na Gopaleen (Flann O'Brien):

CLUICHE NA gCLICHÉ

Do what I do. Carry a small grey American automatic and make sure that it is always stuffed with bullets. Then when some bleating fish-gilled bags opens up and says--

"Of course, backing horses is a mug's game."

--just empty the gun into his low-grade jungle forehead and explain what you have done to the police. The whole thing will be hushed up and will you never hear another word about it. To try you for murder after such provocation would be to make lobster salad out of the courts of justice.

If you did not kill him, he would probably go on and tell you that gin is a very depressing drink, or that September is the best month of the lot for holidays, and then it would simply have to be your life or his.

While you are here, please answer me this. In relation to any problem, what commodity of apparently fluid nature is it necessary to hammer out?

A solution.

What obscure and unhelpful act is often done with a problem?

That of only tinkering.

And to what degree is a problem sometimes insoluble?

Well-nigh.

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CATECHISM OF CLICHÉ

What, as to the quality of solidity, imperviousness, and firmness, are facts?

Hard.

And as to temperature?

Cold.

With what do facts share this quality of frigidity?

Print.

To what do hard facts belong?

The situation.

And to what does a cold fact belong?

The matter.

What must we do to the hard facts of the situation?

Face up to the hard facts of the situation.

What does a cold fact frequently still do?

Remain.

And what is notoriously useless as a means of altering the hard facts of the situation?

All the talk in the world.

Is this killing you?

It certainly is.