More!

Turning aside (stick your hand out there Joe) from this cliché stuff of which you are not half so heartily sick as I--it occurs to me that I should record (for the benefit) (of posterity) those appalling attempts at adult chat which (invariably) follows certain set introductory formulae. I mean, a phrase such as 'In my humble opinion...' Clearly, no decent person could (bring himself) to start talking with such a despicable preamble. But consider the sort of thing that follows these further phrases I have listed below. If you do so conscientiously I will have you excused from jury service for the next seven years.

'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...'

'I rise...'

'We are all g. t. h. to-n...'

'You all know why we are all g.t.h. to-n...'

'It needs no words of mine to introduce the next speaker...'

'Needless to say...'

'It may be olf-fashioned, but...'

'Your headmaster has asked me to speak to you this evening...'

'I don't know much about art, but...'

'The donor of this banquet is a very shy man; he has asked me to come among you to-night and let you know how much he...'

'I have to speak to you boys this morning about a very painful matter...'

'I yield to none in my admiration for...'

'I crave the courtesy of your columns...'

'At the risk of boring my listeners...'

'In this connexion I recall an anecdote...'

'After all...'

'Double You Bee Yeats once said to me...'

'I remember your poor father saying...'

'I must say it always has been a mystery to me...'

And lashed but not lost, that great trumpet of epileptic perfidy:

'WHEREAS...'

I regret all this. Bitterly.

IN view of the vogue of this drug (which takes care of everything from pneumonia to what your uncle Joe had), why not revise the primary medical degrees to read M.&B., B.Ch., B.A.O.

You don't think that's funny? Well let's hear one of your own. Tell a funny story. Kill us, strangle the life out of us with lethal gurgles. Sad affair at Sidney Parade. Strange man collapses after hearing joke from Irish Times reader. An unknown man, respectably dressed and of middle age, collapsed and died yesterday after listening to a humorous anecdote related by a reader of a Dublin newspaper. With the deceased man passes the last link with Parnell. A man who spoke the Irish language at a time when it was neither profitable nor popular, he had a large circle of friends. (And tell me, pray, why do friends always adopt this irrectangular information?) A popular figure in Irish dancing circles, he was a firm believer in the immutable principles laid down by the Manchester school.

Flann O'Brien

The Best of Myles